Tears.

25 July 2012. 1 pm.

This time 14 days ago, I still had a very big belly and was lying in the hospital bed with a CTG machine strapped to my tummy, monitoring the baby’s heart rate. He was still inside me, alive, moving, kicking, although not that strong anymore. But he’s there, and that’s all that mattered.

And the obgyn came and said that we couldn’t wait any longer and it had to be done that day. At 6 pm. The C-section. I was okay with that, believing that everything would be alright and I would soon see my baby and carry him in my arms.

9 hours later, the C-section was done, I was brought to the ICU because my blood pressure skyrocketed, and I struggled to be awake despite the still-strong-effect-of-anesthesia. Looking for my baby. Asked questions. Nobody would give me a straight answer. And deep in my heart I knew he’s gone, but still I needed to be sure.

Today, lying down on my own bed while my body is still in recovery, I am feeling somehow empty. Watching how my whole body went from being thin to huge and now back to thin, and there is no baby.

Looking at the room next door full of baby stuff I prepared, and there is no baby.

Reading the updates of friends in social network, the moms-to-be just as I was and no longer am. Looking at the pictures of their babies. And I have none.

And the email reminder of babycenter.com which comes every Tuesday updating about my pregnancy. I am supposed to be 36 weeks now.

Everything hurts.

But today I decided to meet with God and struggled with Him. I didn’t have words to say. My tears were my words. And He led me to the story behind “The Desert Song”, the song that I was singing, trying desperately to build my own faith.

Jill McCloghry was right in the same place as I am now. She gave birth to her first son when she was still 25 weeks pregnant, and the baby came out alive. He survived for a few hours in the NICU, and then he was gone. She wrote the song and blogged, and I am blessed reading her blogs.

This is her words, which perfectly expressed my feelings and my prayers. I’m changing some bits as I’m adopting her prayer to be my own.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on.

It’s so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. It’s an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness.

“I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow Eko and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thank you God that Eko is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son Jonas. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers and the little nose. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.“

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Desert Song- Jill McCloghry and Brooke Fraser