Counting The Blessings.

It has been 47 days. I feel better now. So much better than before. Haven’t cried since more than a week now. Everything gradually goes back to normal. I am happier now, and I am counting my blessings.

Gue sadar banget bahwa bahkan dalam masa terberat dalam hidup gue ini, Tuhan gak tinggalin gue. Walaupun gue harus kehilangan dan segala sesuatu gak berjalan seperti seharusnya, walaupun gue pengen bersungut-sungut dan menyalahkan Tuhan, gue gak bisa bilang bahwa Tuhan tinggalin gue. Karena memang Dia tetap ada.

I feel Him through my friends and family. Saat gue sakit, saat gue sedih, saat gue kesepian dan takut, I feel Him. This is how: 

Gue sakit. Dan mungkin aja bisa mengakibatkan gagal organ atau bahkan kematian. Tapi Tuhan tolong gue lewat dokter dan obat, and I’m okay now.

Gue sedih. Kehilangan. Dan kesepian. Tapi I feel God through my friends, and especially my husband with whom I shared the grief. Selama berhari-hari bahkan beberapa minggu setelah gue kehilangan baby Jonas, teman-teman masih terus dateng berkunjung atau sekedar nanya keadaan gue via bbm. Mereka semua care banget dan ga pengen gue sedih sendirian.

Gue khawatir. Pertama soal uang, untuk biaya RS yg lumayan banget (operasi, transfusi, ICU, NICU, obat, dokter, dll). Kedua, soal masa depan. Apakah gue akan bisa punya anak yang sehat nantinya. Apakah kejadian ini akan terulang lagi next time.

Waktu divonis dokter harus masuk RS dan persiapan operasi hari itu juga, gue cuma punya uang Rp. 1.500.000 di tabungan, dan itupun udah kepake Rp. 1.000.000 buat USG fetomaternal dan konsultasi dua dokter. Jadi Rp. 500.000 was all we have. Udah siap-siap gesek kartu kredit dan terima nasib untuk nyicil beberapa juta tiap bulan sampe 6 bulan – setaun ke depan. The baby was not even alive.

Tapi beneran, gak bisa bersungut-sungut karena bahkan dalam keadaan terburuk ini gue melihat mujizat dan pemeliharaan Tuhan. Temen-temen dan saudara dari yang deket sampe yang jauh bisa kasih berkat sampai akhirnya bisa mencukupi semua biaya yang dibutuhkan bahkan lebih.

Ketika ngobrol sama beberapa temen pun gue baru menyadari bahwa ada dr antara mereka yang pernah mengalami kehilangan dan keguguran, and I was not the only one. Mereka sudah melewatinya dan things are well for them now, so surely I will get to that point, too.

It’s amazing how God made sure that even though I had to lose my son, I didn’t have to worry about money and I wasn’t alone. So many people cared for me, dan gue tahu mereka semua ikut menabur kebaikan buat gue. Mereka semua doain dan pengen gue menuai nantinya di masa yang akan datang.

Jadi, kalo ada segitu banyak orang yang berdoa buat gue dan menabur buat gue, masa sih Tuhan ga kasih gue menuai? Iman gue bertambah karena mereka, dan gue percaya Tuhan akan kasih anak-anak yang sehat dan sempurna buat gue.

I’m counting my blessings, and my heart is full of gratitude. I know my Father cares and I trust Him.

“Tuhan yang memberi, Tuhan yang mengambil, terpujilah nama Tuhan!” (Ayub 1:21)

I’m not giving up. I know it’s not the end. I can see myself holding that baby, and God is doing all the necessary preparations. Rainbow after the rain. S/he will be perfect.

“Lihat, Aku hendak membuat sesuatu yang baru, yang sekarang sudah tumbuh, belumkah kamu mengetahuinya? Ya, Aku hendak membuat jalan di padang gurun dan sungai-sungai di padang belantara.” (Yesaya 43:19)

Thanks to all our friends and family who have shown your care and been such a blessing for us. God be with you.

A Measure of Faith

It’s been almost a month now.

I still cry, almost everyday. Not the heart-breaking, wailing cries like before. Most of the time I don’t actually cry; it’s just that the tears are quick to fall. I don’t even need to dwell in the thoughts like how it would feel holding a baby in my arms, and kissing his little nose before he goes to sleep (and again the tears fall as I’m writing this). A simple sentence that flashes through my mind like “I was supposed to be counting down to my due date now” or “I was supposed to be uploading pics of my beautiful baby just like her” is enough to make me weep – sentences that arise because of Facebook and BBM statuses.

Well, I can’t hide from the world, either. I can’t stop looking at my social networks and connecting with other people just because I don’t want to feel miserable. Life must go on and I need to face the reality.

Sometimes I like to pretend like this is just a dream.. and I’m still pregnant and everything is okay.. and I’m going to deliver a beautiful healthy baby boy next week.. but who am I kidding?

These 26 days have been so hard.. And there are still 14 days to go to make it 40 and I can try to go back to normal life. I simply believe that God has given me a daily measure of faith, sometimes just a teaspoonful, other times less or more, so that I can live through one day after another.

Sometimes it’s painful even to breathe, because I miss my baby so much it hurts. I’m afraid to think of the future, afraid to hope, afraid to imagine. I’ve learnt how to live with seeing only one stepping stone ahead, but I’ve never felt like this before. It’s so foggy I can’t see even one stepping stone ahead. I feel stuck and powerless and helpless.

I keep on telling myself that it’s okay, I still have my husband and it is enough, he is God’s best gift ever and I know he will always be beside me. But the mother in me just disagrees. It’s not enough. I can’t be a childless mom.

I know that the answer is just to wait. Time will heal, and I will get back on my feet and I will be okay. Maybe I’ll even be happy again. Maybe, maybe.... I’ll get a second chance and God will give us the healthy, happy baby we’ve been longing for.

But now I’m just barely holding on. I struggle everyday not to feel sorry for myself, and trying so hard to focus on other things although I don’t feel like doing anything and there is nothing to look forward to. I am restless, and insecure, and waiting.

At first I set my mind to be excited about going back to my “previous” looks, excited about being nice and slim again, and doing activities I did before I was pregnant. But apparently my body has changed so much it’s impossible to go back 100%. And now I’m more insecure than ever. My husband said that it’s okay and that he loves me no matter what, but still it’s hard to shake this feeling off.

I can’t help wondering what I did wrong, and I know that I’m not supposed to blame myself in any way, but I’m just so sad that I can’t give my husband a healthy baby boy he is so eager to have. It’s killing me.

I can’t stand the look of pity in people’s eyes as they learn what happened or ask how am I doing. I know I have to be strong, but I’m just not tough enough, and all I want to do is run and hide behind my blanket.  

I just hope that time flies quickly, let my body recover soon and my feelings too, that I might be able to rejoice in God and put everything behind me, start a new chapter with faith and excitement of what’s to come.

This is the darkest time. And people may judge me and my faith. But I’m grabbing on to my measure of faith for today, my thread of hope. And I won’t let go.