the book.

Hati Perjanjian

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darlin’ don’t be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

~A Thousand Years, Christina Perri~

Ini lagu lagi ngetrend. Dimana-mana ketemu lagu ini melulu. Kepake banget buat lagu merit. Liriknya emang romantis dan pas buat pernikahan. Tapi jadi ironi juga karena beberapa dari pasangan yang menikah dengan lagu ini, ujung-ujungnya cerai hanya dalam beberapa tahun bahkan bulan. Boro-boro a thousand years.

Gue sering bertanya-tanya, apa sih yang menyebabkan orang bisa segitu gampangnya bercerai atau berantem sampe mau pisah? Kenapa ada pasangan yang langgeng-langgeng aja, ada juga yang baru merit udah berantem mulu? Ada pasangan yang gak kenal Tuhan tapi awet dan saling cinta banget sampe tua. Ada juga yang kenal Tuhan bahkan pemimpin di gereja tapi buset berantem mulu dan kayanya saling mencinta tapi saling menyiksa. What’s the deciding factor? Dua-duanya mengucap janji nikah. Dua-duanya mengaku saling mencintai. Tapi?

Baru-baru ini gue ketemu jawabannya: HATI PERJANJIAN.

Yang lebih penting dari sekedar kata-kata, adalah HATI. Berarti bukan hanya sekedar mengucapkan, tapi memaknai dari hati dengan tekad untuk melakukannya berapapun harganya. To make this relationship work whatever it takes. Orang yang mengerti tentang hal ini, pasti gak akan mengucap banyak kata dan janji, karena yang lebih penting dari itu adalah tindakan yang dari hati. Dengan sendirinya, dia akan menjadi Covenant Keeper – penjaga dan pelaksana perjanjian.

Kalo buat gue sendiri, hanya satu kalimat yang menjadi dasar hubungan gue dengan Eko. Sebuah kalimat yang menjadi janji kita terhadap satu sama lain, 7 tahun yang lalu. Waktu itu, dengan kondisi kita berdua masih muda, belum mapan, masih perlu banyak belajar, dia bertanya:

“Kamu mau sama-sama aku gak?”

Dia bahkan gak PD untuk minta gue jadi istrinya. Dia gak bisa janjiin kenyamanan dalam bentuk apapun. Dengan kata-kata itu, dia seperti bilang, “Ini gue apa adanya. I can’t promise you anything, but I will try my best to be the man you deserve.”

Tapi, knowing the man he is, that’s enough for me. Gue tahu dia orang yang gak sembarangan bicara dan dia serius dengan apa yang dia katakan.

So, without doubt or hesitation, gue jawab: “Iya. Aku mau sama-sama kamu.”

Selama 5 tahun kita bangun hubungan dan 2 tahun pernikahan, ada saat-saatnya gue merasa sendiri dan takut, khawatir akan masa depan. Kembali kata-kata itu berperan, “Aku sama-sama kamu kok.” Dari hal kecil sampai besar, urusan perut, otak, sampai hati, kami saling tahu dan saling peduli.

In the end, we’re too used to being together that being apart simply doesn’t work as well. We have a really great teamwork, we know the way each other thinks, we trust each other completely. Dalam hal pekerjaan, keluarga, bahkan hal simpel seperti masak + cuci piring, cuci + jemur baju, nyapu + ngepel, we did them all together. Sekarang sih dah gak terlalu gitu-gitu amat, but in the beginning it helped us find our sync and harmony.

It’s not just about being together. The other side of it means that we will never leave each other, never stop caring for each other. Itu sebabnya, seorang dengan hati perjanjian gak akan pernah terpikir untuk selingkuh atau meninggalkan pasangannya untuk kepentingan diri sendiri. Hatinya sudah di-setting untuk selalu ada bersama pasangannya.

Bahkan saat mengalami konflik, perbedaan pendapat, kesalahpahaman gara-gara nada suara, in the end we just forgive each other and let it go. Karena, ada janji tak terucap tapi terukir di hati yang berkata, “Even when we disagree, I’m still with you.” Pasangan dengan Hati Perjanjian akan menemukan kesepakatan di tengah ketidaksepakatan. Karena gak pernah menjadi masalah siapa yang salah, yang lebih penting adalah terus bersama-sama melangkah.

It’s all in the HEART. Orang yang punya hati perjanjian memiliki “kekekalan” dalam hatinya, an eternal commitment, sebuah komitmen tanpa syarat dan ketentuan berlaku. Mati terhadap diri sendiri setiap hari, walau terkadang memang ada unsur “saling membunuh” (waktu ego masing-masing muncul). Tapi kembali lagi, pernikahan adalah sebuah perjanjian, bukan pertarungan. Tidak perlu ada yang menang atau kalah.

“Ia membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya, bahkan Ia memberikan kekekalan dalam hati mereka. Tetapi manusia tidak dapat menyelami pekerjaan yang dilakukan Allah dari awal sampai akhir.” Pengkh 3:11.

“Kekekalan” itu diberikan oleh Allah. Komitmen abadi itu bukan karena kekuatan kita manusia, karena kita gak mampu melakukannya. Allah memberikannya, dan bukan dengan cara yang bisa dijelaskan dan dipaparkan. How would you explain dying for someone else everyday? Bukan sesuatu hal yang bisa diterima oleh manusia dan egonya. Tapi itulah arti dari kasih karunia. Salib yang menyentuh hati kita dan memberi anugerah untuk kita berjalan dalam kasih Agape.

~Oleh anugerah dan kasih sayang Bapa Surgawi, hari ini, 6 Maret 2010, saya Anastasia menerima Eko sebagai suami saya satu-satunya. Saya berjanji akan bertanggung jawab menjadi istri yang tunduk, hormat, melayani dan mendukung Eko. Saya berjanji untuk menjadi ibu yang bijaksana bagi anak-anak yang Tuhan percayakan serta mendidik mereka dalam jalan Tuhan.

Janji ini akan saya lakukan baik dalam keadaan sehat maupun sakit, kaya maupun miskin, dan dalam keadaan apapun, sampai Bapa memanggil kita kembali ke surga.~

Gue berdoa supaya hari ini pun gue bisa melaksanakan janji ini, dan gue berdoa supaya Tuhan kasih gue kesempatan untuk menepati janji gue menjadi ibu yang bijak bagi anak-anak gue.

Buat temen-temen yang baca ini, I don’t know which stage you’re in right now. Entah lo lagi bangun hubungan, entah lo udah nikah, entah lo masih jomblo, pesan gue cuma satu: berlatihlah untuk punya hati perjanjian. It’s all about the HEART.

Counting The Blessings.

It has been 47 days. I feel better now. So much better than before. Haven’t cried since more than a week now. Everything gradually goes back to normal. I am happier now, and I am counting my blessings.

Gue sadar banget bahwa bahkan dalam masa terberat dalam hidup gue ini, Tuhan gak tinggalin gue. Walaupun gue harus kehilangan dan segala sesuatu gak berjalan seperti seharusnya, walaupun gue pengen bersungut-sungut dan menyalahkan Tuhan, gue gak bisa bilang bahwa Tuhan tinggalin gue. Karena memang Dia tetap ada.

I feel Him through my friends and family. Saat gue sakit, saat gue sedih, saat gue kesepian dan takut, I feel Him. This is how: 

Gue sakit. Dan mungkin aja bisa mengakibatkan gagal organ atau bahkan kematian. Tapi Tuhan tolong gue lewat dokter dan obat, and I’m okay now.

Gue sedih. Kehilangan. Dan kesepian. Tapi I feel God through my friends, and especially my husband with whom I shared the grief. Selama berhari-hari bahkan beberapa minggu setelah gue kehilangan baby Jonas, teman-teman masih terus dateng berkunjung atau sekedar nanya keadaan gue via bbm. Mereka semua care banget dan ga pengen gue sedih sendirian.

Gue khawatir. Pertama soal uang, untuk biaya RS yg lumayan banget (operasi, transfusi, ICU, NICU, obat, dokter, dll). Kedua, soal masa depan. Apakah gue akan bisa punya anak yang sehat nantinya. Apakah kejadian ini akan terulang lagi next time.

Waktu divonis dokter harus masuk RS dan persiapan operasi hari itu juga, gue cuma punya uang Rp. 1.500.000 di tabungan, dan itupun udah kepake Rp. 1.000.000 buat USG fetomaternal dan konsultasi dua dokter. Jadi Rp. 500.000 was all we have. Udah siap-siap gesek kartu kredit dan terima nasib untuk nyicil beberapa juta tiap bulan sampe 6 bulan – setaun ke depan. The baby was not even alive.

Tapi beneran, gak bisa bersungut-sungut karena bahkan dalam keadaan terburuk ini gue melihat mujizat dan pemeliharaan Tuhan. Temen-temen dan saudara dari yang deket sampe yang jauh bisa kasih berkat sampai akhirnya bisa mencukupi semua biaya yang dibutuhkan bahkan lebih.

Ketika ngobrol sama beberapa temen pun gue baru menyadari bahwa ada dr antara mereka yang pernah mengalami kehilangan dan keguguran, and I was not the only one. Mereka sudah melewatinya dan things are well for them now, so surely I will get to that point, too.

It’s amazing how God made sure that even though I had to lose my son, I didn’t have to worry about money and I wasn’t alone. So many people cared for me, dan gue tahu mereka semua ikut menabur kebaikan buat gue. Mereka semua doain dan pengen gue menuai nantinya di masa yang akan datang.

Jadi, kalo ada segitu banyak orang yang berdoa buat gue dan menabur buat gue, masa sih Tuhan ga kasih gue menuai? Iman gue bertambah karena mereka, dan gue percaya Tuhan akan kasih anak-anak yang sehat dan sempurna buat gue.

I’m counting my blessings, and my heart is full of gratitude. I know my Father cares and I trust Him.

“Tuhan yang memberi, Tuhan yang mengambil, terpujilah nama Tuhan!” (Ayub 1:21)

I’m not giving up. I know it’s not the end. I can see myself holding that baby, and God is doing all the necessary preparations. Rainbow after the rain. S/he will be perfect.

“Lihat, Aku hendak membuat sesuatu yang baru, yang sekarang sudah tumbuh, belumkah kamu mengetahuinya? Ya, Aku hendak membuat jalan di padang gurun dan sungai-sungai di padang belantara.” (Yesaya 43:19)

Thanks to all our friends and family who have shown your care and been such a blessing for us. God be with you.

A Measure of Faith

It’s been almost a month now.

I still cry, almost everyday. Not the heart-breaking, wailing cries like before. Most of the time I don’t actually cry; it’s just that the tears are quick to fall. I don’t even need to dwell in the thoughts like how it would feel holding a baby in my arms, and kissing his little nose before he goes to sleep (and again the tears fall as I’m writing this). A simple sentence that flashes through my mind like “I was supposed to be counting down to my due date now” or “I was supposed to be uploading pics of my beautiful baby just like her” is enough to make me weep – sentences that arise because of Facebook and BBM statuses.

Well, I can’t hide from the world, either. I can’t stop looking at my social networks and connecting with other people just because I don’t want to feel miserable. Life must go on and I need to face the reality.

Sometimes I like to pretend like this is just a dream.. and I’m still pregnant and everything is okay.. and I’m going to deliver a beautiful healthy baby boy next week.. but who am I kidding?

These 26 days have been so hard.. And there are still 14 days to go to make it 40 and I can try to go back to normal life. I simply believe that God has given me a daily measure of faith, sometimes just a teaspoonful, other times less or more, so that I can live through one day after another.

Sometimes it’s painful even to breathe, because I miss my baby so much it hurts. I’m afraid to think of the future, afraid to hope, afraid to imagine. I’ve learnt how to live with seeing only one stepping stone ahead, but I’ve never felt like this before. It’s so foggy I can’t see even one stepping stone ahead. I feel stuck and powerless and helpless.

I keep on telling myself that it’s okay, I still have my husband and it is enough, he is God’s best gift ever and I know he will always be beside me. But the mother in me just disagrees. It’s not enough. I can’t be a childless mom.

I know that the answer is just to wait. Time will heal, and I will get back on my feet and I will be okay. Maybe I’ll even be happy again. Maybe, maybe.... I’ll get a second chance and God will give us the healthy, happy baby we’ve been longing for.

But now I’m just barely holding on. I struggle everyday not to feel sorry for myself, and trying so hard to focus on other things although I don’t feel like doing anything and there is nothing to look forward to. I am restless, and insecure, and waiting.

At first I set my mind to be excited about going back to my “previous” looks, excited about being nice and slim again, and doing activities I did before I was pregnant. But apparently my body has changed so much it’s impossible to go back 100%. And now I’m more insecure than ever. My husband said that it’s okay and that he loves me no matter what, but still it’s hard to shake this feeling off.

I can’t help wondering what I did wrong, and I know that I’m not supposed to blame myself in any way, but I’m just so sad that I can’t give my husband a healthy baby boy he is so eager to have. It’s killing me.

I can’t stand the look of pity in people’s eyes as they learn what happened or ask how am I doing. I know I have to be strong, but I’m just not tough enough, and all I want to do is run and hide behind my blanket.  

I just hope that time flies quickly, let my body recover soon and my feelings too, that I might be able to rejoice in God and put everything behind me, start a new chapter with faith and excitement of what’s to come.

This is the darkest time. And people may judge me and my faith. But I’m grabbing on to my measure of faith for today, my thread of hope. And I won’t let go.

Tears.

25 July 2012. 1 pm.

This time 14 days ago, I still had a very big belly and was lying in the hospital bed with a CTG machine strapped to my tummy, monitoring the baby’s heart rate. He was still inside me, alive, moving, kicking, although not that strong anymore. But he’s there, and that’s all that mattered.

And the obgyn came and said that we couldn’t wait any longer and it had to be done that day. At 6 pm. The C-section. I was okay with that, believing that everything would be alright and I would soon see my baby and carry him in my arms.

9 hours later, the C-section was done, I was brought to the ICU because my blood pressure skyrocketed, and I struggled to be awake despite the still-strong-effect-of-anesthesia. Looking for my baby. Asked questions. Nobody would give me a straight answer. And deep in my heart I knew he’s gone, but still I needed to be sure.

Today, lying down on my own bed while my body is still in recovery, I am feeling somehow empty. Watching how my whole body went from being thin to huge and now back to thin, and there is no baby.

Looking at the room next door full of baby stuff I prepared, and there is no baby.

Reading the updates of friends in social network, the moms-to-be just as I was and no longer am. Looking at the pictures of their babies. And I have none.

And the email reminder of babycenter.com which comes every Tuesday updating about my pregnancy. I am supposed to be 36 weeks now.

Everything hurts.

But today I decided to meet with God and struggled with Him. I didn’t have words to say. My tears were my words. And He led me to the story behind “The Desert Song”, the song that I was singing, trying desperately to build my own faith.

Jill McCloghry was right in the same place as I am now. She gave birth to her first son when she was still 25 weeks pregnant, and the baby came out alive. He survived for a few hours in the NICU, and then he was gone. She wrote the song and blogged, and I am blessed reading her blogs.

This is her words, which perfectly expressed my feelings and my prayers. I’m changing some bits as I’m adopting her prayer to be my own.

Today was a day i think you never imagine living through and that you never imagine how you would live through, but here we are on the backside of the day we laid our precious Max to rest and in the midst of such incredible pain and of a broken heart there is peace. The mender of hearts is at work and the presence of God is truly like a warm blanket. I can't believe i can breathe, but somehow each breath goes in and out the way it should, and moment by moment life moves on.

It’s so strange to all of the sudden feel this emptiness in my body - to feel one day completely inhabited by another and then the next feel so empty. It’s an emptiness impossible to describe unless at one point you've felt its fullness.

“I know that right now, God, you are working amazing things out in my heart - stirring up things i never knew existed and strengthening my heart and my hands for the things ahead. There is such a drive and determination and passion  in me as never before to run this race and seek your heart and your face. And i believe that surely goodness and mercy will follow Eko and i all the days of our lives. God i call our family blessed and i call the generations blessed that follow us. We are a family of life and abundance and this fire has refined and is refining us. The enemy is under our feet and is crushed beneath our heels and he will not have a foothold in any area or place in our lives. i declare and speak our marriage blessed. i thank you God that there is love deeper and stronger than ever conceived. I thank you God that Eko is prosporous and blessed at work - that everything that he puts his hands to is blessed. Thank you God that his memory is strong and wisdom exceeding - that he is integerous and honoured. Thank you God for our children to come, that they are healthy and strong. Thank you God that you see them now and they are blessed and healthy. Thank you that conception is going to be perfect and successful and joyful. You are wonderful God - your works are wonderful and i know that full well. You are our strength and our salvation and we praise you God. Surely the righteous will not be shaken - In our weakness God you are strong. and though my heart and my flesh may fail you are the strength of my heart. Thank you God for my beautiful son Jonas. Thank you God that he was knit so perfectly together - that you formed his every part - from the tiny fingers and the little nose. What a perfect and beautiful creation my God. thank you that there are so many more to come.“

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Desert Song- Jill McCloghry and Brooke Fraser

Better Than I

I thought I did what’s right.

I thought I had the answers.

I thought I chose the surest road,

But that road brought me here.

So I put up a fight,

And told You how to help me.

Now just when I have given up

The truth is coming clear:

For You know, better than I

You know the way

I’ve let go the need to know why

Cause You know better than I

If this has been a test,

I cannot see the reason.

But maybe knowing

I don’t know is part of getting through

I tried to do what’s best,

And faith has made it easy

To see the best thing I can do

Is to put my trust in You

For You know, better than I

You know the way

I’ve let go the need to know why

Cause You know better than I

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky

I saw a bird and thought that I could follow

But it was You who taught them how to fly

If I let You reach me, will You teach me?

For You know, better than I

You know the way

I’ve let go the need to know why

I’ll take what answers You supply

Cause You know better than I

Joy Williams – Better Than I

Memory of 11 July 2012

There was a boy.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jonas.

When he was in his mother's womb, he was very much loved and people were excited to meet him.

When he was born, he had his father's nose and his mother's lips, and he had plenty of hair just like his father and mother.

His dad, granddad, grandmas and aunts were all very proud and happy to meet him for the first time, and they had big smiles on their faces when they saw Jonas.

Jonas lived a very brief moment on earth.

But in that brief moment, he had captured everyone's heart and everyone cried when he passed away.

How could such a little life have brought so much joy and tears? Yet when Jonas was born, he had lived as his parents' first son, his grandparents' grandson and his aunts' nephew, affecting everyone's lives.

You were never nothing, Jonas.

You mattered to us, and we loved you so much, especially your dad and I.

Although I never got the chance to hold you in my arms, yet I loved you so much with all my heart, and you will always be my first son.

I hope and I pray that you are happy now with God, and your Granddad, and that you know that you are loved, always.

Jonas Subiyantoro

11 July 2012

2,270 kg

42 cm